"Shut up…let me tell you, LET ME. Every time I look at your face or even remember it, it wrecks me. And the way you are with me and you’re just fun and you shit all over me and you make fun of me and y..."
- Louis C.K.
"Fuck it... That's really the attitude that keeps a family together, it's not "we love each other", it's just "fuck it, man."
"My ship came in,then it sank!"
- Brian T. Shirley
"To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it."
- Criss Jami
"People who are not blessed with the ability to make others laugh compensate for that by saying (or trying to say) things that are profound."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana
"Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... o..."
- Demetri Martin
"I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate ..."
"I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely..."
- Chelsea Handler
"Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he thought we we..."
"The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us."