"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."
- Robert Orben
"If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."
"Time flies. It’s up to you to be the navigator."
"Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals."
"Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch."
"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success."
"My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age."
"It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years."
"I may be forty but every morning when I get up I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately there's never one around."
"New Yorkers are so impersonal if it wasn't for muggings there wouldn't be any contact at all!"