"I know every guy here, and they’re all pretty much jerks."
- Nicki Elson
"You’re supposed to pinch yourself – not the one you’re dreaming about."
"Was she on some sort of Candid Camera version of This is Your Sucky Love Life?"
"What Hans had intended to end at a simple kiss quickly escalated into something neither one of them seemed able to stop."
"I bring the girl to a museum, try to show her a little culture, and she turns a Chihuly into a giant phallus."
"I’m not sitting back here with another dude while there are two perfectly doable females in the car."
"It was simply a matter of asking him to remove the tie from his head before he made love to her."
"You have a travel vibrator, so I assume you call this one your house vibrator. Store one in your dashboard for a car vibrator too? What about your desk at work? And do they each have their own name, o..."
"What exactly does that expression even mean? An ass that won’t quit? Think about the primary function of an ass—I’d think that’s the sort of thing you might want to quit."
"One day she was going to be found dead mid-hump on a polyurethane phallus"