"We frequently hear of people dying from too much drinking. That this happens is a matter of record. But the blame almost always is placed on whisky. Why this should be I never could understand. You ca..."
- W. C. Fields
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake - which I also keep handy."
"I exercise self-control and never touch any beverage stronger than gin before breakfast."
"It was a woman who drove me to drink - and you know I never even thanked her."
"Once during Prohibition I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water."
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
"No man is boss in his own home but he can make up for it by making a dog play dead."
"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money."
"When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes I'll get another lawyer.""