"I take my children everywhere but they always find their way back home."
- Robert Orben
"We're supposed to take our problems to a family adviser. Personally I've never met a family adviser. They're all off somewhere listening to dirty stories."
"I don't want to say anything about my kids . . . but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!"
"Have you noticed when you go on a diet the first thing you lose is your temper."
""Wait'll next year!" is the favorite cry of baseball fans football fans hockey fans and gardeners."
"My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age."