"I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious."
- Rita Rudner
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
"A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe."
"Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened. "
"I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes."
"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night change its diapers and give it a bottle but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to."
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry."