"Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same."
- Lois Greiman
"Honest friends is kinda nice, but it's hard to beat a big-ass lie and a six-pack of brewskies."
"Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree."
"When blondes have more fun, do they know it?"
"In the beginning God made the seas, the mountains, the heavens, and buffalo knees. He made lilies, and dew drops, and snail shells, and roses, and dippers, and yappers, and snappers, and noses."
"He looked from His heavens and saw it was good, the toes and the crows all looked like they should. The bunny was quick, the finch bright as a daisy, the owl flew at night, and the tortoise was lazy."
"Of course I believe in hell. I have three brothers."
"Maybe knowledge is power, but it ain't nearly as as satisfying as punching some smart ass in the chops."
"Excuses are like butt holes everyone has 'em and they all stink."
"If money don't buy happiness, what the hell does?"