"I had a blind date with a dentist — and he told me to come back in six months."
- Joan Rivers
"People say it is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money you can have a key made."
"I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math — if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?"
"Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe."
"It gathers emotionally inside you, in a strange way a by-product of struggle, of a willingness to do anything, try anything, expose yourself to anything — staying in motion because sooner or later tho..."
"Laughing made me feel safe. I was not going to be enveloped by the seediness that coated this world like dust."
"When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you."
"I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive."
"The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy…"
"The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it."