"My sister, Judy, has always said that she would like to lie in state, propped up in her coffin with her eyes blared wide open, face fixed in a big grin, and have a taped greeting for all her mourners...."
- Jill Conner Browne
"Cheap jewelry, however, is worse than no jewelry at all, and there are very few things in life than are worse than no jewelry at all."
"Try to avoid getting involved with somebody who's gonna need killing before it's over. It may seem to you that that narrows the field somewhat, but be diligent. "
"If there exists in this universe anything more infuriating and crazy-making than a man, I don't know what it is, thank you, and I don't want to know. "
"But, if you've decided to go out on a limb and kill one, for goodness' sake, be prepared. We all read, with dismay, the sad story of a good woman wronged in south Mississippi who took that option and ..."
"Rich old people are more attractive than poor old people, so by all means, try to get rich before age sets in. Otherwise, you'll just be playing catch-up for the rest of your life and that will just w..."
"Pre-forty, you can wash your face with Tide and use Vaseline for moisturizer, toss on a little mascara and lip gloss, and you're a friggin' cover girl. Those of us on the slippery slope that is the Ot..."
"I believe that the ability to laugh at oneself is fundamental to the resiliency of the human spirit."
"Hate people on an individual basis only - you must actually get to know someone at least slightly before you can properly hate him or her."