"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."
- George Burns
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
"Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And..."
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible. "
"I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate."
"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
"There isn't a thing I can't do now that I didn't do when I was twenty-one...which gives you an idea of how pathetic I was when I was twenty-one. (That's a lie, but I might as well tell you something r..."