"I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. "
- Garrison Keillor
"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
"Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose."
"When in doubt, look intelligent."
"The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life."
"Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that."
"I can see how I could write a bold account of myself as a passionate man who rose from humble beginnings to cut a wide swath in the world, whose crimes along the way might be written off to extravagan..."
"And then I stand in front of God's Throne squinting up at His blazing glory and He says, 'You had your opportunities, boy. But did you listen? No. You went on heedlesly reading that garbagey magazine ..."
"A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing."
"Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon"