"It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up."
- Joan Rivers
"Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty."
"I hate Billings Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck - no models. You open a catalog and point."
"Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed."
"I hate housework! You make the beds you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again."
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"He loves to eat - he puts mayonnaise on an aspirin."
"I take him to McDonald's just to watch him eat and see the numbers change."
"He has more chins than a Chinese phone book."
"We Can't Afford to Doubt Ourselves I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door I'll go through another door-or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no m..."