"With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink."
- George Burns
"I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be I always forget to include myself."
"I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get."
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
"In show business the key word is honesty. Once you've learned to fake that the rest is easy."
"Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family in another city."
"Happiness is having a large loving caring close-knit family ... in another city."
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
"I look better feel better make love better and I'll tell you something else ... I never lied better."
"Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."